Wow, a little more than 6 weeks to go! I can’t believe it.

That’s only 45 days; That’s only 1000 hours! I can smell it. It’s October and I can say we’re DUE NEXT FRICKING MONTH!

Time is flying by. My brother’s wedding that I spent so much time worrying about, and praying that Shelby’s belly is just HUGE for it was wonderful. She even did a good job not waddling down the isle! I remember, so vividly, being so nervous and scared writing a post about how so many life events are going on and Shelby’s pregnancy plays such a big part of it. Let’s recap;

• Friend due in Sept. Well, it was actually early august, and they had an adorable baby girl. While it is easier to deal with the birth, it was still a little harder than I expected. Their journey was different than ours, and part of me was still envious and even annoyed about it all.
• Best Man in brothers wedding. So awesome. Shelby was beautiful and I think I was happier seeing her waddle down the isle than the groom was when seeing the bride.
• Many engagement, bridal, and other parties. Everything was fun – I never get tired of talking about Shelby’s expanding belly. I can’t imaging what the alternative would have been like.

I feel so lucky right now and have more to say, but a quick update post seemed like a good idea. Nursery pictures in a few weeks!

*this is a heavy pregnancy related post after infertility post including my experiences over the last few weeks and a video. If you’re not feeling it today, check out my other IF related posts*

It’s here and I can’t believe it. The fabled Third Trimester begins on Saturday (or last Saturday depending on how you calculate these things). I am in awe of Shelby’s transformation over these last 6/7 months. I’m actually living with a full on pregnant lady!

These last few weeks have been an experience that I never thought I’d be able to witness. We even have the beginnings of a damn good looking nursery, even if it’s only paint, a rug, faux wood blinds, a curtain rod and valance that matches our bedding. I still can’t get over it. There’s nursery in my house!

Last night was one of the most amazing pregnancy related experiences I’ve been fortunate enough to witness. Shelby’s belly was full on MOVING with the force of Baby G’s kicks and rolls. With my hand resting on her belly, I could have sworn I felt a knee, foot and baby head, or butt, or SOMETHING. It was wonderful, exciting, special, and intimate all at the same time. Dang, I think I got something in my eye just thinking about it.

I knew pregnancy was a possible side effect of IVF w/ ICSI, but I never thought I’d be able to types these words today. Shelby’s baby shower is planned for September 12th, and we’ve decided to do something special for it. A common thread amongst pregnant IF bloggers, and one that I 100% agree with, has been about how our pregnancy experiences, showers, and conversations with the non-IF crowd can seem to minimize our pregnancy after IF. They can almost seem superficial. Too, well, crass and unappealing, even unappetizing and frivolous. We’ve been no exception to this feeling over the past months. Yes, we’re pregnant. No, it’s not the same. Sorry, it just isn’t.

To carry this thought home, Shelby(and I) has decided to come out of the IF closet at her baby shower. We feel that approaching it with the same non-IF laissez-faire attitude would lesson, almost cheapen, how much we’ve gone though. Yes, every baby is special, but man, this baby is really special to us. We owe it to Baby G.  The point of coming out of the IF closest is to not dwell on our 5 years of heartache, and how much we sacrificed to create sir-kicks-a-lot, but to honor him and the fact that a baby shower is a reality for us.

Coming out of the closet does not mean we’ll be going into procedures, diagnoses (or lack thereof), “what’s wrong with us”, or everything we’ve done in the last 5 years. If people are truly and genuinely curious, we’ll schedule lunch or dinner, but the baby shower won’t be the place for 20 questions. It will simply be a place to share Baby G’s story to those that love him. It will be a place to share with the world how he’s just not any other baby. He’s our baby.

This coming out is going to be done in the form of a photo book that Shelby and I put together in iPhoto. Simply put, this is G’s story that we’ll read to him, share with others, and keep forever.

I’ve converted it to a slide show that I’d like to share with my readers.

You, dear reader, have been a huge channel of support.

An inspiration to write and share.

Without this blog, and the support of the community, I still think we’d be in the IF closet. Thank you for making this photo journey possible.

I’d love if you take the next 6 minutes to experience our baby story. (crap, I think I got something in my eye, again. *sniff*)

Given that this is a book converted to a slide show, please play it in high quality, full screen so the text is readable and forgive the blank pages at the beginning  (they are flaps in the photo book). (Each slide represents a page in our book)

I’m a fan of celebrating little milestones of, of sorts. I love these little celebrations that range from Shelby hugging the porcelain god with her first real bout of morning sickness, to our little guy, who is 1/2 way done with the best hotel stay of his life (Hey, it even has 24/hour room service!), to Shelby’s baby bump, and to last week, where I received my first annoying pregnancy comment.

I bet you can guess the question… I rank it up there with the ignorant, “natural twins, or [voice quiets] fertility twins?” when someone finds out you are having twins. Yes, you guessed it, I got the “was it planned?”

Really, what kind of question is that? In the millisecond after it was asked, a few things occurred to me when that question is asked. I take it two ways 1.) I’m a responsible parent by planning the creation of a human being, or 2.) I’m a drunkard who didn’t want to use a condom, it broke, or we’re just TOO fertile. Ha, TOO fertile, imagine that. Sure, there are exceptions to that, but really, you’re asking me a pretty damn personal question. I mean, think about it, that’s pretty intimate. They are really asking what my (and Shelby’s) mental state was as at the time Shelby and I did the horizontal tango. What’s your next question? What position got Shelby pregnant? Ahh, the questions of the fertile.

Well, in our case, there was a lot of FUTILE horizontal tango going on. Fun? Sure. Productive? Not so much.  Actually, I believe the position we were in was begging on our hands and knees, praying for our IVF to work.

I know it’s an innocent question, but how should it be answered? I carefully considered my question and responded to “was it planned” with the answer of “Yes, very much so” and left it at that. I know I could have answered with a simple yes, but at that moment, it seems to cheapen how much we’ve gone through. Hell yes it was planned. And we have 5 years of a monthly payment to continue to remind us of that fact.

To answer any other way would seem to dishonor my little bean that is budding. We worked hard to get to this 21 week mark. We worked hard just for the chance of getting here, and I simply cannot turn my back on that effort.

I’m proud that we have an IVF baby. Simply put, I’m proud of us. We have gone through the hardest 5 years of our lives, and we’re coming out happier, more in love, and closer than ever. Even, in some way odd way, I’m grateful that we’ve worked so hard to get here. It’s made me a better  lover, husband, and soon-to-be, father. So when people ask “was it planned?” the answer should be “Planned enough that it took 5 years, a hundred appointments, heart break, tears and $60,000. Our baby, that we fought so hard for was indeed, very much planned.”

Until I feel comfortable enough to say that, I will for now remain, half way in the closet and simply answer, “Was this baby planned?” with “Yes, very much so.“

*This is about my wife’s, Shelby, pregnancy after infertility*

Wow, it’s ICLW already? Where is the time going? Thank you for visiting my little corner of the web.

I can’t believe our Level II ultrasound is here already. The first few months of this pregnancy went super slow, but now it seems as if time is speeding up. Shelby is already rounding the half way point. As I mentioned in my post, The Secret Pregnancy Handshake, I still feel awkward at times when people talk about our pregnancy. It’s out in the public, Shelby is showing more and more every day, so it’s hard to deny. However, there is a part of me that still feels like our struggle with infertility is now invalid. Maybe invalid is too strong of a term, but part of me still needs to pay recognition to our struggle. I feel very out of place when other pregnant woman are blissfully talking about what crib or stroller they are going to buy. Sure, I can compare notes, but all our concentration is about having a healthy baby boy. The crap we buy is so insignificant compared to that.

However, somewhat reluctantly, it’s time to really admit to ourselves that this baby is going to happen. It’s time to shop. I know it sounds a little hypocritical given my last paragraph, but I’m really looking forward to picking the baby gear out. Slowly, I’m feeling like less of a fraud and more like a real dad to be. It’s a hard line for me right now and I don’t know how to really act as a expecting infertile. I don’t feel like I’m in either sides “club.” I just don’t have that same click that fertiles do. Our path is different, even though we have a pregnancy in common. It’s an adjustment, and there aren’t really any books about this one.

On to the good stuff however. Our scan was amazing. We haven’t seen our little guy in a month, and this transformation was huge. It really looks like a baby now, perfectly formed. He is weighing 12 ounces now. We saw fingers, toes, hear chambers, feet, bones, and baby boy bits. Our little guy seems stubborn and moves right at the wrong time. He gets that from his mom Speaking of which, Shelby seems to be doing great. She has energy back, and is getting a beautiful, perfect pregnant profile. She looks amazing.

I do have one question though. While our scan went great, and nothing was a concern, our doctor mentioned that her placenta was a little too close to the cervix. Not close enough to be considered “abnormal,” but close enough to warrant a follow up appointment at 27 weeks. Dr. Google, who I have a love and hate relationship with, tells me that it increased the chance of a c-section (which we already are facing, Shelby has a narrow pelvis) and you need to keep an eye on any bleeding (duh!). I also read that in more server cases that pelvic rest is required (which we were not put on). The doctor did not seem concerned at all, as the  placenta tends to gravitate up as you get father along, but I’m curious if anyone has had any experience with this and can offer any input.

Finally, we got a few awesome shots. I’d like to share my favorite one with you (the cute shot of a button nose was my 2nd favorite.

I like to call this shot, “Two Tickets to the Gun Show”

Shelby and I are in a weird state of middle ground right now. Our pregnancy is public knowledge, and we (more I) gladly share it with those we are close to, or if the timing is right. It’s a weird feeling, being “out.” Once we found out we were pregnant, all I could envision was shouting it from the roof tops. Partly because we took a huge step in our battle with infertility, and the rest because we’re FINALLY pregnant.

I feel like we’ve come so far. We’re just past 16 weeks, and still have a long way to go, and I’m okay with others being in our our little (but growing) secret. However, I will say, telling people isn’t quite the thrill I expected it to be. I find that the more people we tell, the less ecstatic I feel about it. Many other bloggers have eluded to this, as I’ve learned. The more people tell, the more our pregnancy is “normalized,” the more it feels like I’m ignoring or even forgetting the past. Almost as if we’re turning our backs on the 5 years of tears and anger we experienced as we battled infertility. It’s like our pregnancy created a blank slate, or tabula rasa (tabula rasa always reminds me of that Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode – whoo Buffy) where our infertility no longer ‘counts.’

I never expected to be taken aback as I have. I even find myself wanting to keep it to ourselves. I’ve found this especially true when around couples our age, or older than us that do not have kids. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve never assumed that everyone would want kids, but I find myself wondering, “What’s their story?” For those that we have told, I carefully watch their reactions, their eyes, their facial ticks for a hidden signal of pain or loss. I wonder if we share a common thread? I find myself wanting to hint at our infertility. We’re not “just another” pregnant couple. We’re the infertile pregnant couple and it’s not the same.

I wish there was some type of keyword, secret handshake, or other signal that us infertiles memorize. That way, when we tell you that we’re pregnant, we can identify, share, and understand each other just a little better. Sure, when you find out we are pregnant, it may stir up a lot of emotions, but you’ll also know it didn’t come easy for us.

What would your secret signal or handshake be? Maybe we can start that movement today!