*this is a heavy pregnancy related post after infertility post including my experiences over the last few weeks and a video. If you’re not feeling it today, check out my other IF related posts*

It’s here and I can’t believe it. The fabled Third Trimester begins on Saturday (or last Saturday depending on how you calculate these things). I am in awe of Shelby’s transformation over these last 6/7 months. I’m actually living with a full on pregnant lady!

These last few weeks have been an experience that I never thought I’d be able to witness. We even have the beginnings of a damn good looking nursery, even if it’s only paint, a rug, faux wood blinds, a curtain rod and valance that matches our bedding. I still can’t get over it. There’s nursery in my house!

Last night was one of the most amazing pregnancy related experiences I’ve been fortunate enough to witness. Shelby’s belly was full on MOVING with the force of Baby G’s kicks and rolls. With my hand resting on her belly, I could have sworn I felt a knee, foot and baby head, or butt, or SOMETHING. It was wonderful, exciting, special, and intimate all at the same time. Dang, I think I got something in my eye just thinking about it.

I knew pregnancy was a possible side effect of IVF w/ ICSI, but I never thought I’d be able to types these words today. Shelby’s baby shower is planned for September 12th, and we’ve decided to do something special for it. A common thread amongst pregnant IF bloggers, and one that I 100% agree with, has been about how our pregnancy experiences, showers, and conversations with the non-IF crowd can seem to minimize our pregnancy after IF. They can almost seem superficial. Too, well, crass and unappealing, even unappetizing and frivolous. We’ve been no exception to this feeling over the past months. Yes, we’re pregnant. No, it’s not the same. Sorry, it just isn’t.

To carry this thought home, Shelby(and I) has decided to come out of the IF closet at her baby shower. We feel that approaching it with the same non-IF laissez-faire attitude would lesson, almost cheapen, how much we’ve gone though. Yes, every baby is special, but man, this baby is really special to us. We owe it to Baby G.  The point of coming out of the IF closest is to not dwell on our 5 years of heartache, and how much we sacrificed to create sir-kicks-a-lot, but to honor him and the fact that a baby shower is a reality for us.

Coming out of the closet does not mean we’ll be going into procedures, diagnoses (or lack thereof), “what’s wrong with us”, or everything we’ve done in the last 5 years. If people are truly and genuinely curious, we’ll schedule lunch or dinner, but the baby shower won’t be the place for 20 questions. It will simply be a place to share Baby G’s story to those that love him. It will be a place to share with the world how he’s just not any other baby. He’s our baby.

This coming out is going to be done in the form of a photo book that Shelby and I put together in iPhoto. Simply put, this is G’s story that we’ll read to him, share with others, and keep forever.

I’ve converted it to a slide show that I’d like to share with my readers.

You, dear reader, have been a huge channel of support.

An inspiration to write and share.

Without this blog, and the support of the community, I still think we’d be in the IF closet. Thank you for making this photo journey possible.

I’d love if you take the next 6 minutes to experience our baby story. (crap, I think I got something in my eye, again. *sniff*)

Given that this is a book converted to a slide show, please play it in high quality, full screen so the text is readable and forgive the blank pages at the beginning  (they are flaps in the photo book). (Each slide represents a page in our book)

(Lots of nursery talk in this one)

Shelby and I are great procrastinators, we really are, but when it came time to start getting things ready for baby, I’m all over it.

We’re nearing 25 weeks, but I’ve already started getting rooms in the house ready. Why the rush? Well, besides waiting FIVE FRICKING YEARS for this opportunity, it really is part excitement, part a little manipulation of the universe. Sure, I still worry about our little guy each and every day, but I’ve accepted and embraced the fact that *this* is going to happen.

It really is.

We’re so close to viability without major health problems. I can smell it. After getting our carpets cleaned, our office converted into office/guest bed room, I decided to take on a venture that I never thought I’d do; Paint a nursery. As Shelby drives away, leaving to have lunch with a few of her friends, I find myself stirring a can of baby blue paint. Two major things are happening here; I’m actually painting (something I hate to do and suck at) and I’m about to, dare I say it again, paint OUR nursery.

As I pour the No-VOC, light blue paint into the roller bucket, I find myself staring at the liquid and becoming awestruck that this event is here. If one was to catch me at this time, you might even see a tear in my eye. I never thought I’d be happy to paint. I used this time to blast music, put blue on the walls, and take count of things. Over this experience and the past few weeks, I learned a few new things about myself as a father to be;

Why I’m going to be a bad father?

1. I sung along to songs promoting drugs, sex, and rock and roll while painting a nursery.
2. The words; son of a bitch, fuck, god dammit, and shit came out of my mouth more times that I can remember while edging.
3. I threw a (dry) paint brush at my cat for almost getting paint all over the place.
4. I wanted to give up edging after the first 30 minutes.
5. Painting makes me want to drink, heavily.

Why I’m going to be a good father?

1. I painted a nursery while Shelby was out and wanted to surprise her when she got home.
2. I missed the cat with the paint brush.
3. I kept the vision of a complete nursery in my minds eye which served as excellent motivation.
4. I horrible at slowing down, taking my time and being careful, but wanted the nursery to come out perfect and worked very hard at making it so.
5. Seeing Shelby’s smile after she got home made it ALLLL worth it..

How I know I’m going to be a the BEST FATHER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?

1. If you tell anyone, I’ll deny this: On Monday, I traded my DREAM CAR in for a mini-van and did so with a smile on my face.

(Lots of baby and pregnancy talk in this one)

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve updated. I know all two of you have been on pins and needles, so this is the day you’ve been waiting for!

Prior to our unscheduled visit to Labor and Delivery at 23 weeks, we were in Portland visiting my cousin, his wife, and their 8 month old baby (Baby L). I have to say, time, situations and perspective is a interesting beast.

My cousin and his family are wonderful, thoughtful, beautiful people who I look forward to spending time with, but in 2008 I simply couldn’t. When they announced a surprise pregnancy prior to moving to Portland, it was like a knife in my chest. You’ve read about that feeling on every IF blog, so I don’t need to repeat it. You get the idea. They moved to Portland shortly after that, and I was glad to not be involved in bump watch.

Their baby was born in Sept. of 2008 and, to me, represented the pain, loss, and un-rewarded efforts in our struggle with infertility.  They came to visit family for Christmas/New Years that year. Shelby should have been due any day, and we should have been beaming to see them and their adorable baby. To make a long story short, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to see them. It was too hard. I felt awful about making a lame excuse and not going to see family visiting from another state, but I knew that we needed to protect ourselves.

Now, present day, I find myself sitting on an airplane that is taking us to see my cousin for the first time in over a year. Those feelings of last year are a memory now and have been replaced with pure excitement of seeing his new baby. I have a special relationship with my cousin, he’s the only person (besides Shelby, of course) that I feel comfortable, and open enough to stay up until 4 AM drinking scotch and talking about anything and everything (ok, the scotch helps). Our conversations range from light heart-ed and jovial to some heavy, deep shit. I tend to shy away from these conversations with most other people, because frankly, I don’t give a crap about what they have to say. They either have no life experience, come from a perspective I do not support, or simply just want to talk at me. My cousin on the other hand, will listen, absorb, and understand.

I’m excited to see him and his family for many reasons and one reason is very new to me. I’m excited to see their baby. What the hell? I’m excited to a baby?! This is a weird feeling to say the least. With our baby due in November, I actually find myself looking forward to getting a crash course in baby. It’s a funny place to be… Shelby and I have spent countless dollars and effort to have a baby, and I’ve really NEVER been around one. I have ZERO experience with one.

I’m also excited to see him and have a single, very important conversation. I want to share our battle with infertility with them. This is one of the few couples that Shelby and I feel comfortable enough to bring them into the loop. As soon as we arrived, the baby talk commenced. The more we talked about baby stuff, the need to share our story grew. I simply couldn’t have the baby conversations without having them know where ours came from. Hours after landing, I find myself telling our story, sharing pictures of our two transferred blasts, and sipping a iced white mocha at Starbucks. While pausing at the end of our story, after explaining how hard it would have been to see them during the holidays, I brace myself for their reaction. This is one of the first times we  explained our struggle, and I prepared myself for the response. As we all know, they can range from ignorant, to rude, to invalidation.

Their response? Complete sympathy and respect for our battle. While they couldn’t understand everything we went through, they sympathized with how hard it must have been on us. They were amazed at how hard we tried, and how strong we are though the battle. They were in awe of the procedures, pictures, and efforts.

It was exactly the response I would have wanted, dare I dreamed of one. Sure, the “fertile” baby talk and advice flowed, but at least they knew our story. They knew the story of our baby growing in Shelby’s belly and that was what mattered to me. Over the course of our visit, and many glasses of scotch, my cousin and I talked about our battle and how hard it has been. It was a weight off my shoulders to talk about this freely.

Only after those conversations were out of the way did I completely open myself up to their baby. This was the first time around her, and I completely let her past all of my built up and hardened baby-defenses. I saw a small hint of what my love will be like for my own baby and it floored me. I didn’t know it was possible to get any more excited about November, but I am. I was worried that I’d have no idea what to do or act around a baby, but my fears were laid to rest. My time with their baby was wonderful. I even managed to postpone a full on baby meltdown by just doing what felt natural.

The trip was worth the visit, in every way. I learned one, important thing about myself that help calm my fears of our own baby.

I will be a good father.

Wow, Shelby and I have been married for 9 years today! To celebrate, I figured I’d do my own version of the “Crazy 8′s” blog post, but call it the “Crazy 9′s.” Shelby surprised me this morning with a card, with Twix Bars tapped to it in the shape of a 9. So cute!

Nine of my favorite things to do with Shelby

1. Go on cruises!
2. Cuddle with her while we watch TV in bed
3. Cuddle with her in bed
4. Go to San Francisco, the beach, or Napa
5. Hold her hand while we walk to restaurants that are walking distance from our house
6. Go on spontaneous candy runs  (!!!)
7. Plow though a Oreo Cookie and Vanilla Ice Cream Cake (oops!)
8. Take lazy naps on a sunny Sunday
9. Just being with her!

Nine Ten things we’ve done over the years (without mentioning TTC, IF, or anything else!)

1. 2000 – Moved to Mountain View, Got MARRIED! Went on a Honeymoon to the Caribbean
2. 2001 – Went to Las Vegas, ate dinner at the Stratosphere. Shelby was hung over from a “Warp Core Breach” but STILL ordered Filet Mignon!
3. 2002 – Moved back to San Jose, Took a road trip in my Convertible to Carmel!
4. 2003 – Moved to San Fransisco, took my parents to the gay pride parade
5. 2004 – Moved to Idaho, Got our little kitty, Willow!
6. 2005 -Purchased our first home in Idaho (aka. Biggest Mistake Evah), went on a last minute cruise to Alaska
7. 2006 – Moved back to Bay Area. Went to New York, Washington DC, and a family reunion
8. 2007 – Held a fantastic New Years Eve party, convinced Shelby to try a Irish Car Bomb, lost a metric butt-load (ha!) of weight, cruised to Hawaii for 14 days!
9. 2008 – Moved to Benicia. We both turned 30! Got Tattoo’s (to memorialize heart breaking loss, hope for the future). Spent WAY too much money in Las Vegas. Attempted the “40 dollar sandwich” while checking it (great success!)
10. 2009 – Visited Seattle (love Pikes Market!), Successful IVF, waiting on baby! Took a nap after reading over this list, man that’s a lot of moves.

Nine things I look forward to

1. The birth of our Son (and believe it’s actually going to happen!!!!)
2. Renewing our vows for our 10 year anniversary. Hopefully in Hawaii, on a beach, with our son dressed up, surrounded by our family
3. A trip to Portland this summer to visit my Cousin
4. Shelby and I participating in my Brother’s wedding.
5. Shelby’s HUGE belly! (are you sensing a theme)
6. The laughter shared with Shelby
7. The quiet moments shared with Shelby
8. Love that grows, day by day. Being with the woman of my dreams
9. To each and every year with Shelby, because it’s always better than the last. I don’t understand how I got so lucky, but I’ll take it!

Happy 9 year Anniversay, Sweet Pea!

To Mrs. S,

Happy Birthday, Sweet Pea. I love you because…

• … For being my permanent designated driver lately, AND tolerating it (or at least pretending to do so)
• … You greet me with a meow in the morning, instead of a “hi”
• … The cute smile you get on your face after the first sip of a Lemon Drop when you exclaim “That’s a good one!”
• … You insist that “The Shocker” is a perfectly acceptable sign to give in pictures, usually related to the point above.
• … Your love of “Sky Cows” (a cow, at the top of a hill that is perfectly outlined by the blue sky)
• … You laugh at most of my stupid jokes, even the ones that cross the line
• … Your Darth Vader snores in the middle of the night
• … Your inability to live without the internet, or your laptop for 30 minutes
• … You can’t go into a pet adoption without finding SOMEONE you want to take home
• … We’ve known each other for 13 years, and each day is better than the last
• … For how hard you’ve been working at growing our little bean
• … For waking up from a deep slumber, only to tell me how tired you are, and then going back to sleep
• … For making me a better person
• … For being my soul mate, my best friend
• … For being the woman of my dreams

Happy Birthday!