I came across an amusing article today that claims that “ugly” men produce more sperm per ejaculate.

Ladies, I don’t mean to brag, but it took 5 years of sex, procedures, timed cycles, IUI’s and an IVF with ICSI to knock up the misses.

You know what that means???

I am one HOT piece of ass.

If you’d like to line up and get a picture taken with me, please the line starts over there. It will be the best $10 you’ve ever spent! Hey, I need to repay our years of procedures back in one way or another!

What’s that you say?

Being in debt to conceive isn’t so hot?

Damn!

Guess the world needs to balance itself out in one way or another.

I think it’s due time for keyword salad. Well that, and I really have nothing else to say.

Our full anatomy scan is on Monday. We will be 19 weeks, and 2 days. I’m very excited and anxious for this appointment, as it’s our last checkpoint before we decide to start buying things. So far, we’ve only purchased 2 small trinkets, that were a pure impulse buy. Nothing that can’t be boxed up and ignored forever should the unfortunate happen, but after this SUCCESSFUL (look how good I am at the positive thinking here!) scan, the gloves come off.

To be honest, I must say, that I’m actually nervous to start shopping. It’s going to make it feel even more real, and that scares me. Shelby and I are in this awkward holding pattern. We’re anxious about our full anatomy scan, but at the same time Shelby *thinks* she may have felt movement (a wiggle, worm, or flutter) but it’s been very faint. She’s suspicious, and wants to chalk it up to gas, mostly because it’s simply too good to be true. Then she won’t feel anything for a day which ups the anxiety level. Sure, every website tells you that early movement is subtle, and infrequent, but still… Damn, can’t it be November already?!

Anyway, enough rambling, onto Google provided humor;

can you tell you’re pregnancy day of IUI

You’re wondering if you’re “pregnancy” the day OF your IUI? Well, Mrs (Mr.) impatient, I do believe in PUPO, but man, I hope your first IUI works, becuase it’s a LOT of waiting. Now, if you’re wanting to know if you’re pregnant the day OF your IUI, Google’s good, but “tell the future good,” I think not?

+1 to using the little known apostrophe in you’re
-1 to for “you’re pregnancy”

naked shelby, i love shelby, shelby butt

Ohh, I think Shelby has a stalker! Now, “naked shelbys,” you’ll have to send me proof. Shelby’s like a cat when the camera comes out. I’ve never seen anyone move so fast to avoid a snapshot.Shelby butt? Good luck seeing that because it’s usually firmly planted in front of The Sims 3, in bed, or watching Deadliest Catch with me.

fear of lab coats

Can I get an AMEN? I hate handing a “sample” to them. There they are, looking all smug in their perfectly white lab coat, staring at the dude who just pleasured himself. I see you and your mocking eyes! I swear, my brow is always this sweaty. I wonder if they make fun of the samples? “Ohh, this one seems a little lighter than the last one…”

intrauterine insemination a woman’s perspective

Hmm, I think I can sum this up in a few words;

Oh god please work, please work, ow, ow, ouch!, please work, I hope they didn’t mix up the baby batter, please work, OW watch it doc, please work, please please please.

Booooooooob dirtyoldgrandma

Yes, Johnny, if you’re grandma has a Booooooooob then she is, in fact, dirty. One big, uniboob full of old saggy dirty skin. eww.

I can imagine the person searching for booooooooob. I bet it was a 14 year old boy, with a computer and internet connection alone for the first time. He was SO excited to search for boob that he just got carried away with the “o” key.

My first blogger award It comes from Mrs. Gamgee at Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings. I’ve been reading her blog for a while now, and am tickled pink that she tagged me, thank you! For those of you dieing to award me with SOMETHING, I promise it won’t take me so long to respond! (Sorry! When did it become June already!)

Here’s the scoop on how this works:

1. When given the award, you write about seven things that you love.

2. Pass the award to seven bloggers that you love, and be sure to tag them and let them know they’ve won.

Seven things I love: (in no particular order)

• Shelby: While this is in no particular order, how could I not list her first? Simply put, she is my world, the love of my life. I am thankful for every movement we spend together, regardless of if it is in sadness, or happiness. I cherish her, more than I could ever express.
• Starting Shenanigans: Ask many of my friends, and they’ll tell you that I’m a bad influence on them. A few friends have admitted to being able to blame their worst hangovers on my. My defense? “It’s not my fault you have an impressionable mind and give into doing 5 Irish Car bombs.” I really enjoy playing this role and gently encouraging people to relax and enjoy themselves.
• Cooking: This is loosely tied into the previous item, but I’ve found a passion in cooking. I love spending all day and cook up an elaborate meal for friends and family. To me, nothing gives me more pleasure than having people enjoy something that I created. There is something special about good food and wine that bring out the laughter, friendship, and happy times. The hard work at cooking a 5 course meal is easily rewarded by the enjoyment my dinner guests get out of it.
• Video Games: I’ve been known to spend quite a few hours in front of an xbox 360 and love it. PC, PS3, Wii, Xbox, you name it and I’m there. Sitting down with a friend, playing a coop game is a blast. Oh and did I mention there is usually beer involved? What’s even better, is that I’ve gotten Shelby hooked on certian games (hellllo Sims 3!)
• Computers / Technology: I’ve been a hard core geek for as long as I can remember. I wrote my first computer program on a Texas Instruments TI-99 when I was 8 or so. It was a Star Trek encylopedia that let you search for things like “Phasers” and it played the theme song when it loaded (yes, get in line ladies, I know you want me!). I’ve been in love with computers and develoment ever since.
• Cruises: Shelby and I love lazy vacations and I’ve gotten her hooked on cuises. There’s nothing better than eating, drinking and laying by the pool for hours at a time. Plus, you get to wake up in a different port every day. Fantastic! Our favorite was a 14 day cruise out of LA to Hawaii. Heaven!
• The ALI Community: This community, the blogs, and the group support is one of the best examples of what the internet can do for you. I’ve never seen such a wonderful and supportive group out there. Every time my email chime goes off that a comment has been left on this site makes my day. Thank you to all those that read my blog and participate in this community.

Man, I’m really running out of blog topics here. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, but nothing is bubbling up to my brain.

We had another sanity check ultrasound yesterday. Yes, another! Much like Nina eluded to, when the 2 week mark between ultrasounds rolls around, we start freaking out. If someone invented a monitor you could strap to your stomach that displays our active boy, I’d buy that in a second. Luckily for us, our NP is awesome. This last ultrasound was very cool. We could make out toes and fingers, joints and perfectly formed feet. Our NP was very patient and spent a quite some time trying to confirm our little ones gender. Our little guy is a stubborn one (he gets that from his mother) and kept his legs crossed until Shelby poked at him though her tummy. With his legs crossed, we got a perfect shot of his feet and toes, so cute! I’m still awed at seeing how much movement is on the screen, and that it actually LOOKS like a baby now. A tiny, perfectly formed baby. (oh, and we got a really good money shot, no doubt that it’s a boy now)

As I’m driving into work today, I am reflecting on all the things I look forward to introducing our little boy to. I figured, I’d one up my A to Z post, and challenge myself to do the same, but for the future. I present, the A to Z’s of what I’m looking forward to sharing/experiencing with our active little boy.

• Airplanes. Every boy loves airplanes right? I can’t wait for the first time we take him to the airport. I envision his face plastered to the window over looking the terminal as he is in awe over the flying metal tubes. Maybe as he gets older, we’ll build a remote control airplane and fly (crash) it together.
• Beer. Sharing that first beer, once the kid is (close) of age. Pulling out those frosty mugs, pouring a brew, clinking glasses, and sipping that first beer will be a sight to behold.
• Camping. Shelby and I love to go camping and roast marshmallows. I cannot wait to do that with our kid. I remember the excitement of finding that perfect marshmallow stick, carving the tip with a pocket knife, and sliding that first marshmallow onto it. Seeing our kids first marshmallow sugar high is going to be awesome.
• Diapers. Once Shelby announced her pregnancy to a few friends at work, she was given newborn diapers as a gift/joke. We opened them up, and I was amazed at how small they are. I asked “is the baby really going to be this small?” I knew the answer, but was still amazed. I cannot wait to do that first diaper change. (Now the 1000th may be another story)
• Excitement. Seeing the world though a child’s eyes. Everything is new, challenging, and exciting. I cannot wait to see the world though his eyes.
• Fingers. The first time those little fingers grasp my hand…
• Grandparents. Seeing the hope, excitement, and happiness in my parents eyes as they await to be titled “Grandparents” brings me so much joy. I can’t wait to give them this opportunity.
• Happiness. Above all, seeing our child happy is most important; Smiles, laughter, and love.
• Invitations. Shelby and I were joking the other day that our child’s first birthday party is really for us, not him. But man, I can’t wait to send out those invitations, seeing our boy destroy his first birthday cake. I’m looking forward to all the invitations that we’ll be sending out. Birthdays, graduations, everything.
• Jack-o-lantern. I can’t wait to take you trick or treating, carve a pumpkin, and indulging in Halloween candy. It will bring a smile to my face when I hear you say “tweak or tweet” in that sweet, little boy voice.
• Kicking. Feeling you kick for the first time… Amazing
• Love. You will experience love, in many different forms. The love of your parents, love from your grandparents, that first high school crush. Above all, you will find the one true love of your life, and we’ll love her (him?!) too!
• Merry-go-rounds. One day, when you’re older, I’ll take you to Santa Cruz. They have an awesome merry-go-round where you throw rings into a clown’s mouth. I can’t wait to experience that with you.
• Onsies. From buying the first set of Onsies, to changing you. You’re going to be so cute in these.
• Parks. We’ll go to many different parks. State parks, local parks, the park where your Mom and I first kissed. We’ll play on the swing sets and I’ll push you on the swings. I can almost smell the freshly cut grass, and hear your squeals of joy.
• Quiet times. There will be days, where our house is still and everything is at peace. You’ll be sleeping soundly in your crib and my eyes will be locked on your peaceful face. During these times, I look forward to thanking the universe for giving us the gift of our child.
• Reading. It’s bedtime, we’ll snuggle up together as I read you a bed time story, funny voices and all.
• Star Wars. Oh man, we’re going to watch Star Wars together. Seeing lightsabers, space ships, Luke and Leia though your eyes will be a treat.
• Time Outs. There will be some days where you’re going to get a “time out.” You’ll be testing your boundaries, testing Shelby, testing myself. You’re going to teach me so much about being a father during this time, and you’re going to get in trouble. It’s all for a good reason.
• Unforgettable. Every single milestone will be unforgettable. Those first steps, the first word (mine was, fittingly, “more”), getting your drivers license, going to prom, getting married.
• Voice. What will you believe in? What will you sound like? What will we talk about? I look forward to it all.
• Why. You’ll be so curious and relentlessly ask me questions. Why is the sky blue? Your brain will be growing so fast, and I’ll do my best to nourish it.
• Xylophone. I’m so going to buy you one of those xylophone toys. Bang away little guy.
• Yosemite. Your mother and I will take you to Yosemite. We’ll go fishing, hiking up Half Dome, see the waterfalls. Your mother has never been, it will be a new experience for both of you.
• Zoo. Will you love animals as much as we do? We’ll spend countless hours looking at elephants, tigers, bears, and butterflies. You’ll climb onto my shoulders and point at the elephant pooing in front of everyone. I can’t wait!

It’s time for ICLW, so I’m kicking it off with some alphabet soup. It was high time I tilt my head sideways and see what spills out of my brain.

• Awkward. A word my friends tend to say often around me after I just said something that crossed the line. Usually prefaced with me saying “Hey guys, want to hear a gross joke?”
• “Big Booty Grandma” a search term someone used to find this site. Sorry dude, you (hopefully) left disappointed. Besides, a big booty grandma? Wouldn’t it just sink to the floor anyway?
• Cautiously Optimistic. Keeping my thoughts positive that we’re going to come home with a baby. (Something I can’t fathom.)
• Diversions. I’m thankful for any distraction that gets me through the day and one day closer to our next ultrasound.
• Errands. They are building up, and I could care less.
• Financially Screwed. Forget a college fund, kid. We already spent it on our Shared Risk IVF package. Hope you’re a smart one, or can at least push a lawn mower.
• Geek. I’m a huge geek. Anything with a screen, power cord, and buttons makes me scream like a little girl.
• “Huge Booooob” Another search term some poor sap used to find my site. Not only were they specific enough to only want to pleasure themselves to a singular breast, but it needs to be huge. Is there such a thing as uni-boob like there is uni-brow?
• IVF. Need I say more?
• Jello. I’ve never been a fan of it, well, except if it’s in a pool with scantly clad females. Ok, I confess, I’ve never seen jello wrestling, and I don’t get the appeal.
• Kitties. Do I get man points for thinking they are the cutest things ever? No? Oh well.
• Liver. After every BFN, it hates me with with the fiery burning of two thousand suns.
• Macallan Scotch. Yes please (see “L”). I think every IVF should come with a bottle.
• Ovaries. I’ve learned more about ovaries and the female reproductive cycle than I care to admit. What ever happened to the simple “insert tab a into slot b?”
• Penis. (*giggle*) We saw one on our ultrasound. Oh My God. It’s a Boy!!!
• Quit. Something we’ve thought about doing many times in the last 5 years.
• RSC of the Bay Area. Thank you for our small miracle that is under construction.
• Second Trimester. I never thought we’d make it here.
• Third Trimester. God, I pray we make it here
• Understanding. Something I wish from “fertiles.”
• Vocabulary. I find it lacking, as evident in this post.
• Weight. It is a constant struggle, and I’m trying to get motivated. Want to join in?
• X-Rated Movies. Unfortunately, they did nothing to help get things “moving” in the collection room.
• Yellow Cake. I should get some for Shelby. It’s her favorite.
• Zero. The work I got done the other day. Damn blogs.
  

This was my first A to Z entry, and is it just me, or is anyone else paranoid that they left out a letter? I counted them like 5 times!