Shelby and I are in a weird state of middle ground right now. Our pregnancy is public knowledge, and we (more I) gladly share it with those we are close to, or if the timing is right. It’s a weird feeling, being “out.” Once we found out we were pregnant, all I could envision was shouting it from the roof tops. Partly because we took a huge step in our battle with infertility, and the rest because we’re FINALLY pregnant.

I feel like we’ve come so far. We’re just past 16 weeks, and still have a long way to go, and I’m okay with others being in our our little (but growing) secret. However, I will say, telling people isn’t quite the thrill I expected it to be. I find that the more people we tell, the less ecstatic I feel about it. Many other bloggers have eluded to this, as I’ve learned. The more people tell, the more our pregnancy is “normalized,” the more it feels like I’m ignoring or even forgetting the past. Almost as if we’re turning our backs on the 5 years of tears and anger we experienced as we battled infertility. It’s like our pregnancy created a blank slate, or tabula rasa (tabula rasa always reminds me of that Buffy The Vampire Slayer episode – whoo Buffy) where our infertility no longer ‘counts.’

I never expected to be taken aback as I have. I even find myself wanting to keep it to ourselves. I’ve found this especially true when around couples our age, or older than us that do not have kids. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve never assumed that everyone would want kids, but I find myself wondering, “What’s their story?” For those that we have told, I carefully watch their reactions, their eyes, their facial ticks for a hidden signal of pain or loss. I wonder if we share a common thread? I find myself wanting to hint at our infertility. We’re not “just another” pregnant couple. We’re the infertile pregnant couple and it’s not the same.

I wish there was some type of keyword, secret handshake, or other signal that us infertiles memorize. That way, when we tell you that we’re pregnant, we can identify, share, and understand each other just a little better. Sure, when you find out we are pregnant, it may stir up a lot of emotions, but you’ll also know it didn’t come easy for us.

What would your secret signal or handshake be? Maybe we can start that movement today!