Anyone who’s known me for more than a day, knows that I’m not the type of guy that likes to wait. I’m too impulsive. Don’t believe me? I’d like to share a few “instant gratification” facts about me, before I get to the point.

-My first word was “more.”
-As a kid, whenever I finished a meal, say breakfast, I’d ask what was for lunch.
-As a kid, I’d incessantly ask “are we there yet?”
-I started working in technology at 15 with a full time, professional gig at 18 and dropped out of college to accept a higher paying position with more responsibility
-Shelby and I got married at 21
-We always open a birthday gift WAY too early. Like a month.
-We once booked a cruise on a Wednesday and left that Saturday.
-As an aside, but related, I *hate* the sound of a ticking clock. Always have. It drives me nuts.

Get the point? I don’t like to wait for something. As soon as I set my mind to it, I have to have it. LIKE OMG RIGHT NOW! I was pretty used to this, and it worked for me. Usually, I’d find a way to get what I had my sights set on, and it worked out. Well, this instant gratification nature didn’t really work when it came to two big stages of life.

Infertility and what I like to call “The Pregnant Infertile”

If my road was Instant Gratification Highway, Infertility was the fake, painted, tunnel on the side of a mountain that Wild E. Coyote painted on. Except in my case, I didn’t run though that tunnel like the Road Runner. So much for cruising though life, eh? Our infertility put 5 years of our life on complete standstill. Every test, test result, 2 week wait, and the wait to start trying for the next cycle was excruciating for me. I felt the weight of every day. It was a difficult adjustment for me, but we survived.  We took it day by day and eventually those days turned into weeks. Weeks turned into months, months turned into years and somehow, we find ourselves in an entirely new type of wait. This wait has a time line that is very clear, which hopefully, is 9 months.

Shelby and I are at 10 and a half weeks. This is the same 10 and a half weeks where our world, just shy of 10 months ago, our came crashing down on us, but for now, all we can do is wait. We did the 2 week wait, the beta test wait, the ultrasound wait,  the short, but endless wait while our doctor finds the beating heart of our gummy all before, but now we wait some more.

I feel the weight of the wait.

Every tick of the clock is felt. Our next ultrasound is on the 30th and we’ll be almost 12 weeks. In my heart, I know that our last bean’s time was already past well before this 10 and a half weeks but until we see our gummy on the screen, wiggling around, I won’t feel any relief. Every second is felt, weighed, and endured until we can see our gummy on screen again.

Now that we are at 10 and a half weeks with our gummy, I find myself silently mourning the loss of our last bean all over again. We’ve been here before, and while, in my heart, I know that everything is ok, I worry that it won’t be.

I want our bundle of joy more than anything else in the world, and all I can do is wait. I feel helpless. There is simply nothing I can do. My desire to parent, to teach, to father, to BECOME a father is strong but our little gummy is already teaching *me* something:

Relish and enjoy the weight of the wait.

I’m already in your hearts and I’ll be with you soon, but for now, just wait.

I’m copying Murdgan over at Conceive This who gave me the idea to post some random facts for ICLW. (Thank you Murdgan. Oh, and I LOVE your blog.)

Since my blog is so brand spanking new, this will be random facts for all of us

…………………………..10 Minutes Pass …………………………..

Hmm… This is harder than I thought. *staring at blank screen* Damn blinking cursor, sitting there mocking me! Ok, here we go! (ohh, I’m going to add pictures for some!)

• Shelby and I were set up on a blind date by my ex-girlfriend’s, best friend in HIGH SCHOOL! We’ve known each other for 12 years now and have been married for 9.
• I’m a triplet (Mom took Clomid) and was born 3 months early and barely weighed 2 pounds. (Picture is, obviously, much later. 10 points to the first person who guesses which one is me. [Shelby can't play])
  
• Going to San Francisco and Napa are my two very favorite things to do. Oh, and driving with the top down on a sunny day.
  
• My parents are two of my best friends. I would prefer to hang out with them than most of my friends my age. (Man, that sounds pathetic!)
• I still see our cat Willow as the baby she was when we got her, and that scares the hell out of me when we have a kid. Maybe Shelby and I should have more than one (Ha! like it was so easy) so we can spread our obessive love around.
  
• I once drank 5 L. of beer at a German pub for my birthday (over a gallon, took them 45 minutes to fill it) and was, surprisingly, not too hammered. It was over the course of many hours. (ok, I think I’m a little drunk in this picture but I remember I was trying to look “lovingly” at the camera with my beer).



• I’ve been featured on the 6:00 PM news when I was in High School for being a “computer geek” and helping bring my High School into the technology age. It was the first high school to broadcast it’s radio station in real-time over the internet.
• I’m turn to mush when I see kitties, doggies, or any small fuzzy animal.
• I avoid confrontations at all cost. Hate em with a passion! What’s that you say? You like them? Oh yeah, me too, really.
• Finally, I’ve found peace and solace in starting this blog. I’m surprised at how much it has helped me collect my thoughts and articulate them.

In keeping with the theme of helping interview requests on Lost and Found Connections, I noticed a request for responses on how infertility has changed your sense of self. I approached this reservations as I knew that thinking about those answers would be quite a bit harder than my last interview. However, I think I owed it to myself to really think about how infertility has changed me. It was a difficult few hours as I composed those questions, and I’d like to share them with you.

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1. Do you believe that you have undergone a significant shift in your sense of self? (Please note that if your answer is “No”, then the rest of these questions will be irrelevant to you!)

If you asked me this question a year ago, my answer would have been “no.” Today, I can emphatically say, “yes.” Looking back, I can see this shift taking place, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve allowed myself to accept, embrace and understand it.

My attempt at resisting this change was to shut down emotionally and simply ignore what was occurring. In doing so, I feel I placed a burden of dealing with our infertility (the cause of this shift) solely on my wife. Empathy at this time was difficult for me (this could be a whole other paper!), and I struggled with opening myself up to the hurt of infertility and just tried to be a shoulder to cry on for my wife and didn’t take the time or effort to accept my part of it.

If I would describe my change, I don’t really consider it a “shift” per se, but more of a ‘coming into my own,’ growing as a man and husband, and allowing me to be (and become) the person I am.

2. What do you feel precipitated this shift? Was there a specific event or point in time? Was the change gradual or sudden?

We found ourselves pregnant after an IUI around a year ago that resulted in a miscarriage at 10.5 weeks. It was difficult to move from infertility to “wow, I’m going to be a father” to dealing with the pain of it being ripped away. It wasn’t until I was in such a broken state of grief and sadness did I start to reflect on the past years of infertility and allowed it to absorb sense of self. Hind sight allows me to see this shift over time, but it wasn’t until that singular event of no longer seeing a heart beat on the screen of the ultrasound did I allow myself to grasp my internal shift of self. My shift was gradual during the first 4 years of infertility followed by a “kick in the ass” in this past year. Growing with my wife, going though IVF, becoming pregnant again and starting my blog has definitely helped me understand and embrace my “new self”

3. Describe yourself both before and after the change. What areas of you life or aspects of your self were most significantly impacted?

Maybe I am too critical of my “before” self, but I see that person as lacking empathy, self-awareness, and the ability to express oneself. It was too easy for me to turn off my emotions just too simply get through it. Eventually, turning myself off no longer worked.

Today, I find myself a better, more understanding husband who is so much more in love with his wife than ever before. When coping and reflecting on my own infertility and allowing me to “feel” those emotions and the loss that came along with them, it helped me understand her plight and hurt in this process.

It’s hard to explain, and I’m not sure how, but I felt like infertility broke me down to my core, and luckily, somehow, I built myself up and became a better person.

Currently, the most significant impact has been my relationship with my wife. We’ve been married almost 9 years, there is a deep love there but I think she really, really sees how I feel now. That’s not to say I was a bad husband, but I am able to do a much better job at communicating how I see our relationship though “my eyes”

In the future, I am 100% sure that I will be a better father because of this change, and that will be most significant of all.

Infertility and loss has been a very hard road but I’m a better man, husband, and soon to be father because of it.

4. How have others viewed your shift? What has the external response been? Are people quick to adjust or slow, positive or negative, etc.?

I think the jury is still out on this. I think that this shift is really only evident to myself and my wife. If anything, I think this shift has caused me to be “less” of a friend to those that have known me for many years. Infertility has caused us to see people (“fertile”) much less than we used to. It was simply too hard. I am not yet comfortable talking about our battle with others who have not experienced it. It’s too abstract for most people to “get.”

However, we have made lifelong friendships with those that we have met through infertility support groups. Those only know us after this “shift.”

I also don’t know if family has clued into a shift. While they are very familiar with our struggles, they will never fully understand it. I wouldn’t be comfortable with giving them a link to my blog. Mom would really take it to heart and hurt, not only for our pain, but for the feeling “causing it” by giving birth to pre-mature triplets. However, in general I still feel like they wouldn’t ‘get it.’

Okay, I’ll fess up I think those are just excuses. I still have some growing to do and it’s easier to hide behind the anonymity of my blog and reaching out to strangers than allowing family to really see how much this hurts. I also don’t want to hurt my relationship with them if/when I get upset that they ‘just don’t understand.’ My Dad especially still doesn’t get that we have male-factor and not just female factor. It’s almost like his attitude is “NOT MY SON” and it threatens his manliness. (That’s not to say he’s not supportive and usually says all the right things, but I’m reaching deep here.)

So, in summary, my shift of self has been mostly internal.

5. What has been your response to the shift? Have you undergone a shift in behavior or habits or lifestyle? What about in the way you judge your own (or others’) actions?

I don’t think my habits or lifestyle has really changed. There has been a huge loss of relationships with friends, and I think that could be associated with my shift of self. I’d like to blame it on infertility, but that’s not quite it. I think my shift has caused me to need something more than what my current friendships offer. They aren’t deep enough. They are the same friends I’ve known for 15+ years, but it is very superficial.

It’s very frustrating that others don’t “get” what we’ve been though and how it has changed me. Maybe the next part of this shift will allow me to share it with others (others being, ‘fertile”)

Lifestyle and behavior wise, I am much less naïve and sometimes bitter about it. I no longer view myself as living a “charmed” life where things come easy. I think fate has been very cruel to us in these last 5 years and I notice myself less optimistic because of it.

6. Do you believe that you are fundamentally the same person now as you were before your shift? Describe as best you can what leads you to the conclusion to which you come. Specifically, what factors do you use to determine your core sense of self?

Fundamentally, I am the same person. This is cheesy, but I really see it as if I went a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly in a way. I’m still the same person, but a little more beautiful inside. There are some deep scars from the transformation, and they will always be there, but they will fade.

I think my sense of self has evolved. I no longer want to take the easiest path (internally), but want to really allow myself to feel what I feel and understand it.

Before, I felt that I had a disjointed sense of self. I just focused on what others wanted me to be and blocked out my own sense of self. Today, the simple fact that I can answer this interview and will be sharing these answers with my wife helps me realize how far I’ve come. My sense of self is now formed from what I think and feel in my heart after taking the time to actually understand it. I no longer just pick the easy answer and move on like “nothing happened”

Boys and Girls, gather around and let Uncle S. tell you a story. I’d like to tell you about a young, naive man about to embark on his first IUI. Sit down and lets take a journey to about 3 years ago and I’ll tell about how Mr. Shelby was once a young, strapping and fiscally secure lad.

It’s the eve of our first IUI and I was almost child-like in my infertility innocence. Oh, the days when I didn’t know what OPK or BFN stood for. My more serious, hardened and fiscally broke-ass self would look sternly on this naive man and quietly shake my head knowing that the road would be long, daunting, and filled with doubt. However, younger Mr. Shelby knew nothing of that path, only that Mr. and Mrs. S. would be doing their first IUI and would be having a baby in 9 short months.

The day came where we’d do our IUI. My head spun as the nurse walked us though a dizzying course of events and all I really remember about that was that we’d be waiting 2 weeks, then we’d take a pregnancy test to find out if it worked.

I was stunned.

In 2 weeks we’ll be pregnant.

2.fricking.weeks!

To0 many thoughts are going though my mind at once and I can’t keep them straight. This is going to fast. Am I ready for this? How are we going to afford it? I just spent $300 on this IUI. This crap is expensive. Take a prenatal? Are you nuts, that’s like $60 bucks a month!! Bleed my dry, why don’t you doc! I have to provide a sample? You want me to do what in a cup? How is that going to work? I’ve barely learned to aim when I take a piss and I STILL get it all over the toilet seat. How are you going to expect me to his this target?! Why the hell is this cup’s opening so sharp and small?

We’re doing something called a double insemination? What’s that? Oh, well why didn’t you say something sooner?!

Let’s get this party started. Where’s Shelby, maybe no one will notice if she slips into the “man room.”

Fast forward a few hours. Shelby has her legs up in the stirrups, and our NP was attempting to manuver some strange torture device into Shelby’s lovelies. I was so nervous at this point. I’m witnessing my wife get knocked up. We’re both unsure of what to do or say, and I find myself reverting back to a thirteen year old idiot. My only escape was misguided humor. I don’t really remember what I said at this time, but I do remember making Shelby laugh. Hard and Often. She frequently would be laughing so hard that she’d push the tools that our NP was using straight out of her. Our NP was not amused.

A wise crack about “does this mean I can tell people that I was with two chicks at one time when you got knocked up?” caused the NP to glare at me as the instruments she was using was flung out of Shelby with force. I barely held it together after that. I tried my best to make small talk and not say something stupid (again) as Shelby laid there for the prerequisite 15 minutes.

As Shelby dressed, collected her things, and walk out of the building with me I thought:

“We’re pregnant and man, that didn’t seem so bad.”

*Update* Can’t get enough? I also penned a post on Shelby’s site about what it is really like when having to give a “sample” at the doctors office. Stirrup Queen was also kind enough to make this post her ‘pick of the day.’ If you haven’t already voted for me, I’d love it if you did.

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A few days ago I noticed a posting on Lost and Found requesting men provide our point of view with regards to infertility. The person is writing an article for Conceive Magazine and was asking to interview men dealing with infertility. I responded, and was asked a some very good questions. I wanted to share that with my readers, so here we go (names changed to protect the innocent).

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1. Can you tell me in a nutshell your story of trying to get pregnant? When did you start trying, when did you realize it wasn’t happening, what kinds of fertility treatments have you had, etc.?

We stopped using BCP’s (birth control pills) about 5 years ago and began actively trying to get pregnant 4 years ago. Some good friends of ours began to try to conceive (TTC) around the same time we did. They all were fortunate when they got pregnant very quickly. We knew that something wasn’t right when the same couple was pregnant with number 2 and we were still trying. When we were TTC, we’d talk with our friends about how wonderful it will be to share in the pregnancy and parenting process with them. Little did we know that infertility already began to affect our relationship with many of our friends. It was hard to spend time with them and their new baby when we’re struggling with something that came so easy to them. We began fertility treatments in summer of 2006. Since then we’ve had 7 IUI’s and 1 IVF. Our IUI protocols ran the gamut of clomid, injectibles, and double insemination’s. I’m sure most guys would think doing a double insemination is “fun,” but believe me, it’s not.

2. When did you first find out that you had male-factor infertility? Were you surprised? How did you react?

We found out pretty quickly that we had both male and female factors when we were undergoing our first IUI in 2006. We were total newbies in 2006 and didn’t know much about what we were facing. I think we were both on information overload and didn’t really process individual factors in this process. I remember going over the protocol with the nurses and feeling very overwhelmed at all the appointments, pills, ultrasounds, and schedule. When they went over the 2 week wait between the insemination and the pregnancy test and stated that “we’ll do a pregnancy test on this day” I remember thinking “oh my god, we’re going to be pregnant on the 8th of August.” Looking back, it amazes me how naive and, I guess, innocent we were at that point. It still seemed “easy” to get pregnant.

For our first few IUI’s, I was on auto-pilot and really relied on my wife (Shelby) to do the research, scheduling and protocol for this process. I knew that I had low sperm count and poor motility but didn’t really know what that meant. Even at my lowest count, 5 million sounded like a really big number and at that time, I never really understood what that number should look like. It wasn’t until later when I got more educated and involved in the process did it really hit home on what those numbers meant, and when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wondered “what the hell was wrong with me.”

3. You mentioned not wanting to convey that you’re ashamed of the infertility — but I know that for some guys, it can feel shameful or embarrassing. Did you ever struggle with that? Were there any other strong emotions or reactions for you as you dealt with the infertlity?

Soon after the gravity of my low count and motility hit me, I started seeing other people differently in a way. I remember an instance when Shelby and I were walking around a mall and I was looking at all the other males passing me by and thinking “Am I the only one that can’t get a woman pregnant?” There were also some other events that were unpleasant reminders of my infertility; The obvious worded template letter from my HMO that basically said they don’t know what’s wrong with me and gave me a name of someone to talk to. No details, no possible tests to take, no plans of action. Just “yeah, go talk with someone else.” It also really hit me when an older woman said “What’s the matter? Don’t you love her” when she found out that Shelby and I do not have kids yet. (Never mind the fact we were on IUI #5 at this point). Don’t get me started on people who think that infertile people should “take a hint”

Male factor infertility is almost a double standard. Most people understand that a woman’s reproductive cycle is a very complex thing and it’s almost easy for them to understand if there are infertility issues, but all a man has to do is orgasm and he’s done his part, right? Hell, donor sperm costs a hundred bucks, to me, society has already told us that it’s not valued. When we’d be doing an IUI and Shelby produced perfect eggs and my count and motility was low, I felt like our negative pregnancy test (BFN) was my fault. Not only does it kill me to see my wife devastated by another BFN, it killed me to be absolutely helpless in this, both physically and emotionally.

I have to constantly remind myself that I shouln’t feel ashamed for having male factor infertility any more than a woman should. It bothered me that I had to make a conscious decision to use my real name in this interview instead of a pseudonym. There aren’t many medical conditions where you’d feel the need to shield your identity, why is infertility different?

For more details on this, check out my guest entry on Shelby’s website – I go into this in more detail (assuming you didn’t read it already)

4. Did you and your wife handle infertility differently? I know that with my husband and me, I wanted to talk about it and analyze it incessantly; he preferred that I just shut up after a while.

We definitely handled it differently. Shelby was always educating herself, researching procedures, and making the next appointment. Our infertility was so much bigger than us and we had no control in the process. I felt very overwhelmed and lost in the whole process and could only process it in chunks. Shelby is always looking at the next treatment, but I refused to discuss moving to IVF while we were doing IUI’s. I just couldn’t handle it, it was too much. I wanted to focus on the “then and now” and deal with the next procedure “later.”

When it came time to start the process of IVF, the cost was dizzying. It wasn’t a surprise, but I remember thinking “has it really come to this?” For the last few years, our life has been all about infertility. It’s talked about constantly and I get exhausted at times. One time really hits me; Shelby made a lot of close friendships with a support group for infertility called Open Path. The girls wanted to get everyone together, including husbands, for a lunch. For 4 hours, people shared their heart breaking struggles with infertility and I left exhausted. There were no topic changes, just 100% focus on infertility. At the 2 hour mark I would have been happy to talk about baseball, and I don’t even like the sport!

Eventually, not talking and sharing about our situation wore me down. I had no outlet. Who was there to talk to? My very fertile friends? People who have not struggled with infertility simply don’t understand. Never mind the male factor perspective. Starting a blog and allowing myself to absorb my infertility has really helped. I even find myself worried about my brother’s fertility. I’m one of triplets (from Clomid nonetheless) and worry that he’ll have the same struggles. Infertility isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy, however, it has made me a better person. Stronger, more empathetic, and a better husband. I definitely feel that I’ll be a better father after having gone though this.

5. What’s your advice for men who are coming to grips with their infertility? How can guys get past the embarrasment or the weird “I’m not man enough” thing?

There really is a “I’m not man enough” feeling to my infertility. It eventually got bad enough where baby onesies that said “organically grown” bothered me. It made me feel like our pregnancy “didn’t count.” One of the hardest things about infertility is that it is “invisible”. There is nothing on the outside and people don’t know how to deal with that. There aren’t many support networks for men, but there are a few things that I recommend;

• Talk with your wife. This sounds obvious, but it’s harder than it seems. She’ll be so busy with procedures, being poked and prodded, and making the many appointments that it is very easy to lose focus on the guy’s part of this process. Take the time to understand the procedures and how complicated conception really is. Even if you don’t have the words to express your frustration with your infertility, take the time to communicate and share with your wife. Even if it’s just “this really sucks.” Both you and her will appreciate the shared effort. A simple minute long embrace does wonders.
• Resolve.org has many great resources for understanding infertility. One article, geared towards family and friends, really helped me understand a woman’s perspective on this.
• A man’s point of view with regards to infertility is considered elusive. To me, not talking about it conveys that we’re ashamed of it. That’s simply not the way it should be. Read blogs relating to male infertility, even start one yourself. If you are shy, make it private and something just for yourself. Gather your thoughts and put them on paper. You’ll be surprised with what you end up writing. Until guest blogging on my wife’s website, I didn’t realize that I actually had a lot to say.
• Don’t compare yourself to your fertile friends. Your situation isn’t the same. It’s okay to not announce your pregnancy the day the pee stick shows two lines. You’re not going to run out and buy baby clothes the same day and that’s OK.
• It’s very easy to feel like I’m not man enough. I need to constantly remind myself that this is a medical problem and not something wrong with me as a man. Would I feel like a wimp if I break a leg and need a cast to make it better?
• The advanced reproductive technologies are amazing. Chances are that you’ll get your wish and you’ll have a baby. It only takes 1 good sperm and IVF w/ ICSI can pick that perfect tadpole.
• Finally, understand that acceptance and understanding isn’t going to come right away or without hard work. I’ve been struggling with infertility for over 5 years now and my male factor infertility still hits me in the gut. It’s not an easy process, understand that you’ll be a changed person when you come out the other side, for better or worse.