As I laid awake last night anticipating our ultrasound today, my heart would not stop racing. I’m nervous. Nervous for myself, for Shelby and for our little one. I’ll cut the bullshit. I am downright, flat out scared and was reading into everything. I’m not a superstitious person, but I was looking for ANY sign. Either way, I just wanted to know how our appointment would turn out. The only signs I felt was my pounding heart beating from fear. Fear of loss, fear of being destroyed, fear for Shelby.

The only thing I could think about was when I imagined myself sitting down in front of a blinking cursor, ready to write a blog post telling you how our appointment went. The only thing I could actually visualize writing was news off loss, pain, and sadness. This freaked me out. I could FEEL my fingers type the painful words “It’s over. Fuck you fate!” I tried everything to block that vision from my mind, but I just couldn’t visualize anything else. My fear simply did not allow me to ever consider writing “Thank God, everything is perfect.”

Surely this was a bad omen?

As I mentioned in the past, we’re just going on 12 weeks of being pregnant. It’s a major milestone and it seemed like it would never get here. I felt every passing second that lead up to this appointment. We had about 3 weeks between ultrasounds and during this time, we hit our previous loss milestone.

I couldn’t comprehend waiting 21 days until our next appointment. That’s 504 hours, people! Eventually I found a trick to help pass the time; that was to simply view time differently. I made everything relative and it really helped pass the

There wasn’t a concept of weeks, days or hours. It became 2 more new episodes of Deadliest Catch until our ultrasound; 1 more episodes of new Family guy; 3 more breakfasts; and before I knew it, it was 1 more kiss goodnight until our appointment.

Finally, the day arrived, and as the hour of our ultrasound ticked closer, my perception of time was: 1 more kiss hello, 15 more foot steps to the ultrasound room, 1 Shelby laying down, 2 hands gripping each other in support, 10 pounding beats of my heart, 1 deep and final breath until we knew our fate.

All of this is the build up to the moment that I laid awake fearing. What will my blog post say? Was my omen of dread realized?

Time has passed, and is not longer relative. Finally, the moment I envisioned is here.

I’m staring at the blinking cursor of my blog post.

There’s only one thing to say:

Thank God, everything is absolutely perfect.