A Broken Branch?
Posted by Mr. ShelbyApr 29
A few weeks ago, Shelby bolted upright from her near-permanent resting position on our sectional and to my surprise declared that she “WANTS INDIAN FOOD SO BAD.” This surprised me on 2 levels. The first, Shelby was actually able to dig herself out of the Shelby shaped indentation on the couch. The second, she actually wanted something that wasn’t a popsicle, cereal, or nacho cheese Doritos. We’re making progress here, people!
Immediately, I launch myself out of my seat, grab the car keys and race to the garage. Understand, my panic and speed are out of one very important reason, I love Indian food. I know that any change in speed, wind direction, or even a butterfly flapping its wings in Japan will change Shelby’s mind and she’ll fall back into her couch shaped indentation and make me get her the 100th popsicle of the day.
We’re out the door before she could even pick up her purse.
I hold my breath the entire way there praying she doesn’t change her mind, and finally we arrive. Shelby’s looking a little green at this point. Maybe it was my driving? Maybe it’s her sense of DOG LIKE SMELL. I’m beginning to sweat now. I don’t want my Indian food ripped from my hands when we’re SO close. Taste buds are already set to spicy, and they aren’t turning back.
We walk into the restaurant and I scream “Naan, and Chicken Vindaloo, STAT!” before the poor waiter even asks us “how many?” As the realization that we’re finally sitting down and that we are actually ordering food sinks in, I let myself calm down. Shelby and I make small talk and try and avoid the elephant in the middle of the room, or in her belly for that matter, but eventually our conversation drifts that direction. As our waiter pours my 10th glass of water, and Shelby’s 2nd lemonade (never mind the fact that I begged her not to order it. Lemonade and Indian food? Gross) we start to talk about family trees.
I come from a very small family. I may be a triplet, but that about covers it. My Dad has two brothers. One of which adopted a son, and conceived a daughter and the other decided to not have kids (ALS runs in the family and they didn’t want to tempt fate). We were born almost 3 months premature, weighed 2 pounds each. Our birth was less than perfect and the doctors predicted certain demise. We made it, however it was not scott free. One of my brothers was born with severe brain damage and will never experience many of the life events we all have the opportunity to enjoy. He’ll never date, marry, or try to conceive a child, nor does he have any concept of those things. The other, as I mentioned in a previous post, is about to get married and start a family.
As I break off a piece of Naan, Shelby and I take stock of my family tree with those that share my last name.
- My female cousin is basically a non-member of the family by choice (crazy lady with 10 cats and a few kids who, when explored adoption, got denied because she didn’t want to turn the “cat room” into a bedroom for the potential kid.)
- My male cousin, who was adopted, just had a daughter. Don’t know their long term family plans.
- My brother and his bride-to-be, well, your guess is as good as mine.
That’s it. That’s the family tree.
As we finish dinner, something that has never even occurred to me hit me like a ton of bricks. Is my family tree about to have a broken branch? Up to this moment, I had little preference on wanting a boy or girl. I just want baby, but does this change things? I’ve only just come to grips on my own infertility, and now I’m contemplating the end of my line.
Shelby and I wrap up dinner, and as I drive us and our full bellies home, I’m unsure how to process this.
Am I just placing unnecessary pressure on myself?
I’m just… unsure.
This is a new emotion for me to process, and I haven’t figured it out yet. Is it something I *really* care about? Is it society’s added pressure on us men? Does my line really end? Have I found the core reason of why we procreate?
How do I deal with these questions and where do I go to find those answers?
Have any of you thought about these things? What’s your take?
After 5 years, we still walk the path of infertility. 7 IUI's, 1 miscarriage, 1 IVF and tens of thousands of dollars later we find ourselves pregnant. The path is still not clear, but we take it one step at a time.
12 comments
Comment by Heather R. on April 29, 2009 at 1:09 pm
Can’t help you with the pressure question. I can tell you how hard I laughed at your mad dash for the Indian restaurant! Love it!
Comment by Ali on April 29, 2009 at 3:40 pm
I was also laughing about the whole Indian food situation. I LOVED Indian food when I was pregnant. I only ate cereal (kix to be exact), fudgesicles and hot chocolate my whole first trimester. My husband must have felt the exact same way the first time I actually wanted to eat. I’ll have to ask him when he gets home. Congrats on the pregnancy. I am so happy for you.
Comment by Clare on April 29, 2009 at 4:06 pm
For me there is only one real cuisine on the planet and it’s Indian. 1 Saag paneer please!
I think before it mattered to societies whether your offspring was male/female , and esp. male to carry on the family line. This is really only true in very patriarchal societies and we are, or at least we should be, moving away from that. I come from an only girls family and my father very much feels like we are part of “his line”. In fact girls often remain closer to their family than the boys do, my husband and I spend more time with my family than his. And a lot of women still keep their family name when they get married too. So I think you shouldn’t feel concerned about it, whatever you are blessed with, will be part of your line, your heritage.
Comment by Mr. Shelby on April 29, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Good points Clare, thank you.
To be clear, it’s not that I don’t feel a girl would not be part of my line or heritage. It just occurred to me that my last name may not be long for this world and it brought some interesting emotions.
Infertility has really done a number on us and for now, please god, just give me BABY and we’ll sort the privates out later.
Comment by Kacy on April 29, 2009 at 4:23 pm
Here’s a rural take on your post. My parent’s are farmers, and in the country it is appropriate to have a boy so he can take on the farm when you want to retire. I asked my dad about this once and he said, “Your mom and I decided to have two kids. And two kids we had no matter what the sex was. I love you both and it doesn’t matter that you weren’t boys.” This really touched my heart strings and to this day I carry on our family history, traditions and love just as good or maybe even better (only because women are better at these things) than any brother would have. It’s not the end of your family tree, if it is a girl, its just another way to really make something of your families heritage. Besides, I can’t remember when my dad or uncle’s cooked the traditional family meal or made sure that the family history got into the album appropriately.
Boy or girl they all have their benefits.
Comment by Shelby on April 29, 2009 at 5:44 pm
I find this VERY interesting considering that you and your family have remarked on preferring a girl. But YES, just give me a LIVE baby and I’ll be fine. Us IFers often come to the conclusion that we have no room to be picky and that’s where I am.
Also, I think I have less of a dilemma as sadly, I’m not too invested in my family as you are.
Comment by Katie on April 29, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Your trip for Indian food cracked me up. My husbands name will end with us if we don’t have a boy, but I think we would all be okay with that as long as we end up with a baby.
Comment by Caragh on April 30, 2009 at 1:44 am
What an interesting question..
And something I haven’t pondered.
I definatly want children.. I dont know yet if this is in my cards… But the females on both sides of my family have been few and far in between.
We are also very strange individuals, and I would love to carry that on…
Comment by Beautiful Mess on April 30, 2009 at 2:04 pm
My dad was the only boy in his family and he and my mom had two daughters. I kept my last name and took my husband’s. On the birth certificate, our children have a hyphen in there, which is annoying and probably doesn’t mean anything, but it meant something to my father and that’s why I did it. My father’s name will end with my sister and I, but we’ve come to terms with that because we are all related and family is important.
Comment by sunflowerchilde on May 4, 2009 at 9:58 am
I have an interesting take on the family name thing, because I am a woman and kept my name after marriage (which really shocks people). Even my more liberal friends only went as far as hyphenation. In my family, I have a half-brother who is adopted and grew up with his mother. My dad wasn’t even involved in raising him, I’ve pretty much never met him, and we’re not biologically related, but legally we’re siblings and we share a last name. My full brother, on the other hand, got his teen-age girlfriend pregnant and his son (the one to “carry on the family name”) is turning out to be a badly-behaved spoiled brat.
So perhaps it’s because I’m somewhat of a feminist, but based on my family history, I just don’t see the family name thing as being all that important. I DO intend to give my children my family name as their middle name, because I want them to feel a connection to both sides of the family. But I don’t care about the name continuing to exist for the sake of the patriarchal side of my family.
Comment by Betsy on May 5, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Love this post! My husband will totally relate to the Shelby-shaped indentation on the couch, because I have the same exact thing on our sectional. It’s actually getting hard to get out of because it’s caving in!
I’m sure that men think about the family tree/family name a little bit more than women do. I have an interesting perspective in that I’ve worked with 500+ couples on weddings, and quite a few of the brides have kept their last name specifically for this reason (no brothers to carry on the family name). Especially in the Bay Area, it’s about half and half for women even taking their husband’s name these days. Very interesting to think about, though.
Hope you guys enjoyed that Indian food (and lemonade – lol)!
Comment by Shelby on June 1, 2009 at 3:03 pm
This is now a non-issue.