In keeping with the theme of helping interview requests on Lost and Found Connections, I noticed a request for responses on how infertility has changed your sense of self. I approached this reservations as I knew that thinking about those answers would be quite a bit harder than my last interview. However, I think I owed it to myself to really think about how infertility has changed me. It was a difficult few hours as I composed those questions, and I’d like to share them with you.

If you asked me this question a year ago, my answer would have been “no.” Today, I can emphatically say, “yes.” Looking back, I can see this shift taking place, but it hasn’t been until recently that I’ve allowed myself to accept, embrace and understand it.

My attempt at resisting this change was to shut down emotionally and simply ignore what was occurring. In doing so, I feel I placed a burden of dealing with our infertility (the cause of this shift) solely on my wife. Empathy at this time was difficult for me (this could be a whole other paper!), and I struggled with opening myself up to the hurt of infertility and just tried to be a shoulder to cry on for my wife and didn’t take the time or effort to accept my part of it.

If I would describe my change, I don’t really consider it a “shift” per se, but more of a ‘coming into my own,’ growing as a man and husband, and allowing me to be (and become) the person I am.

2. What do you feel precipitated this shift? Was there a specific event or point in time? Was the change gradual or sudden?

We found ourselves pregnant after an IUI around a year ago that resulted in a miscarriage at 10.5 weeks. It was difficult to move from infertility to “wow, I’m going to be a father” to dealing with the pain of it being ripped away. It wasn’t until I was in such a broken state of grief and sadness did I start to reflect on the past years of infertility and allowed it to absorb sense of self. Hind sight allows me to see this shift over time, but it wasn’t until that singular event of no longer seeing a heart beat on the screen of the ultrasound did I allow myself to grasp my internal shift of self. My shift was gradual during the first 4 years of infertility followed by a “kick in the ass” in this past year. Growing with my wife, going though IVF, becoming pregnant again and starting my blog has definitely helped me understand and embrace my “new self”

3. Describe yourself both before and after the change. What areas of you life or aspects of your self were most significantly impacted?

Maybe I am too critical of my “before” self, but I see that person as lacking empathy, self-awareness, and the ability to express oneself. It was too easy for me to turn off my emotions just too simply get through it. Eventually, turning myself off no longer worked.

Today, I find myself a better, more understanding husband who is so much more in love with his wife than ever before. When coping and reflecting on my own infertility and allowing me to “feel” those emotions and the loss that came along with them, it helped me understand her plight and hurt in this process.

It’s hard to explain, and I’m not sure how, but I felt like infertility broke me down to my core, and luckily, somehow, I built myself up and became a better person.

Currently, the most significant impact has been my relationship with my wife. We’ve been married almost 9 years, there is a deep love there but I think she really, really sees how I feel now. That’s not to say I was a bad husband, but I am able to do a much better job at communicating how I see our relationship though “my eyes”

In the future, I am 100% sure that I will be a better father because of this change, and that will be most significant of all.

Infertility and loss has been a very hard road but I’m a better man, husband, and soon to be father because of it.

4. How have others viewed your shift? What has the external response been? Are people quick to adjust or slow, positive or negative, etc.?

I think the jury is still out on this. I think that this shift is really only evident to myself and my wife. If anything, I think this shift has caused me to be “less” of a friend to those that have known me for many years. Infertility has caused us to see people (“fertile”) much less than we used to. It was simply too hard. I am not yet comfortable talking about our battle with others who have not experienced it. It’s too abstract for most people to “get.”

However, we have made lifelong friendships with those that we have met through infertility support groups. Those only know us after this “shift.”

I also don’t know if family has clued into a shift. While they are very familiar with our struggles, they will never fully understand it. I wouldn’t be comfortable with giving them a link to my blog. Mom would really take it to heart and hurt, not only for our pain, but for the feeling “causing it” by giving birth to pre-mature triplets. However, in general I still feel like they wouldn’t ‘get it.’

Okay, I’ll fess up I think those are just excuses. I still have some growing to do and it’s easier to hide behind the anonymity of my blog and reaching out to strangers than allowing family to really see how much this hurts. I also don’t want to hurt my relationship with them if/when I get upset that they ‘just don’t understand.’ My Dad especially still doesn’t get that we have male-factor and not just female factor. It’s almost like his attitude is “NOT MY SON” and it threatens his manliness. (That’s not to say he’s not supportive and usually says all the right things, but I’m reaching deep here.)

So, in summary, my shift of self has been mostly internal.

5. What has been your response to the shift? Have you undergone a shift in behavior or habits or lifestyle? What about in the way you judge your own (or others’) actions?

I don’t think my habits or lifestyle has really changed. There has been a huge loss of relationships with friends, and I think that could be associated with my shift of self. I’d like to blame it on infertility, but that’s not quite it. I think my shift has caused me to need something more than what my current friendships offer. They aren’t deep enough. They are the same friends I’ve known for 15+ years, but it is very superficial.

It’s very frustrating that others don’t “get” what we’ve been though and how it has changed me. Maybe the next part of this shift will allow me to share it with others (others being, ‘fertile”)

Lifestyle and behavior wise, I am much less naïve and sometimes bitter about it. I no longer view myself as living a “charmed” life where things come easy. I think fate has been very cruel to us in these last 5 years and I notice myself less optimistic because of it.

6. Do you believe that you are fundamentally the same person now as you were before your shift? Describe as best you can what leads you to the conclusion to which you come. Specifically, what factors do you use to determine your core sense of self?

Fundamentally, I am the same person. This is cheesy, but I really see it as if I went a transformation from a caterpillar to a butterfly in a way. I’m still the same person, but a little more beautiful inside. There are some deep scars from the transformation, and they will always be there, but they will fade.

I think my sense of self has evolved. I no longer want to take the easiest path (internally), but want to really allow myself to feel what I feel and understand it.

Before, I felt that I had a disjointed sense of self. I just focused on what others wanted me to be and blocked out my own sense of self. Today, the simple fact that I can answer this interview and will be sharing these answers with my wife helps me realize how far I’ve come. My sense of self is now formed from what I think and feel in my heart after taking the time to actually understand it. I no longer just pick the easy answer and move on like “nothing happened”