*Update* Can’t get enough? I also penned a post on Shelby’s site about what it is really like when having to give a “sample” at the doctors office. Stirrup Queen was also kind enough to make this post her ‘pick of the day.’ If you haven’t already voted for me, I’d love it if you did.

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A few days ago I noticed a posting on Lost and Found requesting men provide our point of view with regards to infertility. The person is writing an article for Conceive Magazine and was asking to interview men dealing with infertility. I responded, and was asked a some very good questions. I wanted to share that with my readers, so here we go (names changed to protect the innocent).

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1. Can you tell me in a nutshell your story of trying to get pregnant? When did you start trying, when did you realize it wasn’t happening, what kinds of fertility treatments have you had, etc.?

We stopped using BCP’s (birth control pills) about 5 years ago and began actively trying to get pregnant 4 years ago. Some good friends of ours began to try to conceive (TTC) around the same time we did. They all were fortunate when they got pregnant very quickly. We knew that something wasn’t right when the same couple was pregnant with number 2 and we were still trying. When we were TTC, we’d talk with our friends about how wonderful it will be to share in the pregnancy and parenting process with them. Little did we know that infertility already began to affect our relationship with many of our friends. It was hard to spend time with them and their new baby when we’re struggling with something that came so easy to them. We began fertility treatments in summer of 2006. Since then we’ve had 7 IUI’s and 1 IVF. Our IUI protocols ran the gamut of clomid, injectibles, and double insemination’s. I’m sure most guys would think doing a double insemination is “fun,” but believe me, it’s not.

2. When did you first find out that you had male-factor infertility? Were you surprised? How did you react?

We found out pretty quickly that we had both male and female factors when we were undergoing our first IUI in 2006. We were total newbies in 2006 and didn’t know much about what we were facing. I think we were both on information overload and didn’t really process individual factors in this process. I remember going over the protocol with the nurses and feeling very overwhelmed at all the appointments, pills, ultrasounds, and schedule. When they went over the 2 week wait between the insemination and the pregnancy test and stated that “we’ll do a pregnancy test on this day” I remember thinking “oh my god, we’re going to be pregnant on the 8th of August.” Looking back, it amazes me how naive and, I guess, innocent we were at that point. It still seemed “easy” to get pregnant.

For our first few IUI’s, I was on auto-pilot and really relied on my wife (Shelby) to do the research, scheduling and protocol for this process. I knew that I had low sperm count and poor motility but didn’t really know what that meant. Even at my lowest count, 5 million sounded like a really big number and at that time, I never really understood what that number should look like. It wasn’t until later when I got more educated and involved in the process did it really hit home on what those numbers meant, and when I did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wondered “what the hell was wrong with me.”

3. You mentioned not wanting to convey that you’re ashamed of the infertility — but I know that for some guys, it can feel shameful or embarrassing. Did you ever struggle with that? Were there any other strong emotions or reactions for you as you dealt with the infertlity?

Soon after the gravity of my low count and motility hit me, I started seeing other people differently in a way. I remember an instance when Shelby and I were walking around a mall and I was looking at all the other males passing me by and thinking “Am I the only one that can’t get a woman pregnant?” There were also some other events that were unpleasant reminders of my infertility; The obvious worded template letter from my HMO that basically said they don’t know what’s wrong with me and gave me a name of someone to talk to. No details, no possible tests to take, no plans of action. Just “yeah, go talk with someone else.” It also really hit me when an older woman said “What’s the matter? Don’t you love her” when she found out that Shelby and I do not have kids yet. (Never mind the fact we were on IUI #5 at this point). Don’t get me started on people who think that infertile people should “take a hint”

Male factor infertility is almost a double standard. Most people understand that a woman’s reproductive cycle is a very complex thing and it’s almost easy for them to understand if there are infertility issues, but all a man has to do is orgasm and he’s done his part, right? Hell, donor sperm costs a hundred bucks, to me, society has already told us that it’s not valued. When we’d be doing an IUI and Shelby produced perfect eggs and my count and motility was low, I felt like our negative pregnancy test (BFN) was my fault. Not only does it kill me to see my wife devastated by another BFN, it killed me to be absolutely helpless in this, both physically and emotionally.

I have to constantly remind myself that I shouln’t feel ashamed for having male factor infertility any more than a woman should. It bothered me that I had to make a conscious decision to use my real name in this interview instead of a pseudonym. There aren’t many medical conditions where you’d feel the need to shield your identity, why is infertility different?

For more details on this, check out my guest entry on Shelby’s website – I go into this in more detail (assuming you didn’t read it already)

4. Did you and your wife handle infertility differently? I know that with my husband and me, I wanted to talk about it and analyze it incessantly; he preferred that I just shut up after a while.

We definitely handled it differently. Shelby was always educating herself, researching procedures, and making the next appointment. Our infertility was so much bigger than us and we had no control in the process. I felt very overwhelmed and lost in the whole process and could only process it in chunks. Shelby is always looking at the next treatment, but I refused to discuss moving to IVF while we were doing IUI’s. I just couldn’t handle it, it was too much. I wanted to focus on the “then and now” and deal with the next procedure “later.”

When it came time to start the process of IVF, the cost was dizzying. It wasn’t a surprise, but I remember thinking “has it really come to this?” For the last few years, our life has been all about infertility. It’s talked about constantly and I get exhausted at times. One time really hits me; Shelby made a lot of close friendships with a support group for infertility called Open Path. The girls wanted to get everyone together, including husbands, for a lunch. For 4 hours, people shared their heart breaking struggles with infertility and I left exhausted. There were no topic changes, just 100% focus on infertility. At the 2 hour mark I would have been happy to talk about baseball, and I don’t even like the sport!

Eventually, not talking and sharing about our situation wore me down. I had no outlet. Who was there to talk to? My very fertile friends? People who have not struggled with infertility simply don’t understand. Never mind the male factor perspective. Starting a blog and allowing myself to absorb my infertility has really helped. I even find myself worried about my brother’s fertility. I’m one of triplets (from Clomid nonetheless) and worry that he’ll have the same struggles. Infertility isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy, however, it has made me a better person. Stronger, more empathetic, and a better husband. I definitely feel that I’ll be a better father after having gone though this.

5. What’s your advice for men who are coming to grips with their infertility? How can guys get past the embarrasment or the weird “I’m not man enough” thing?

There really is a “I’m not man enough” feeling to my infertility. It eventually got bad enough where baby onesies that said “organically grown” bothered me. It made me feel like our pregnancy “didn’t count.” One of the hardest things about infertility is that it is “invisible”. There is nothing on the outside and people don’t know how to deal with that. There aren’t many support networks for men, but there are a few things that I recommend;

• Talk with your wife. This sounds obvious, but it’s harder than it seems. She’ll be so busy with procedures, being poked and prodded, and making the many appointments that it is very easy to lose focus on the guy’s part of this process. Take the time to understand the procedures and how complicated conception really is. Even if you don’t have the words to express your frustration with your infertility, take the time to communicate and share with your wife. Even if it’s just “this really sucks.” Both you and her will appreciate the shared effort. A simple minute long embrace does wonders.
• Resolve.org has many great resources for understanding infertility. One article, geared towards family and friends, really helped me understand a woman’s perspective on this.
• A man’s point of view with regards to infertility is considered elusive. To me, not talking about it conveys that we’re ashamed of it. That’s simply not the way it should be. Read blogs relating to male infertility, even start one yourself. If you are shy, make it private and something just for yourself. Gather your thoughts and put them on paper. You’ll be surprised with what you end up writing. Until guest blogging on my wife’s website, I didn’t realize that I actually had a lot to say.
• Don’t compare yourself to your fertile friends. Your situation isn’t the same. It’s okay to not announce your pregnancy the day the pee stick shows two lines. You’re not going to run out and buy baby clothes the same day and that’s OK.
• It’s very easy to feel like I’m not man enough. I need to constantly remind myself that this is a medical problem and not something wrong with me as a man. Would I feel like a wimp if I break a leg and need a cast to make it better?
• The advanced reproductive technologies are amazing. Chances are that you’ll get your wish and you’ll have a baby. It only takes 1 good sperm and IVF w/ ICSI can pick that perfect tadpole.
• Finally, understand that acceptance and understanding isn’t going to come right away or without hard work. I’ve been struggling with infertility for over 5 years now and my male factor infertility still hits me in the gut. It’s not an easy process, understand that you’ll be a changed person when you come out the other side, for better or worse.